When Zach Groth and I both went through semi-devastating non-breakups within the same week of each other, we handled it as any mature adult in New York City would -- by attempting to drink $300 worth of wine while eating pizza rolls and making a four-hour long Spotify breakup playlist.
For all intents and purposes, this should not have happened, mostly because Zach doesn’t know how to use Spotify, but also because no one should have ever left two emotionally unstable people like Zach and I alone with $109 worth of wine before anyone else showed up to the party. (My bottle was worth $9, his was worth significantly more).
Still, we did it. I’m not really sure if I’m proud or embarrassed of that fact, but when our friends Chelsea, Serria and Abby showed up two hours later while we were singing “Shape of My Heart” by Backstreet Boys into empty wine bottles, it was clear we were too far in to go back.
So, below are a few highlights from our breakup playlist, accurately titled “The Ghost” because, you know, we have both been ghosted in our lives. (You can listen to the entire thing here to judge us/see how raw of a place we can really get to when people leave us alone -- you know it’s real because we forgot about the pizza rolls in the oven. Twice).
Some Say // Sum 41
“Look up Sum 41,” I told ZG, while pouring more than the recommended serving size of wine into my glass. To be honest, I’m not sure if this was because Sum 41 actually has good breakup songs or if it’s because the guy I liked in seventh grade made me a mix CD filled entirely with their songs and it puts me in a very interesting emotional place since I really liked him, but was too busy playing Runescape online to date. I then went on in a 45-second spiel about how I was super into Runescape and even had a Runescape boyfriend named Jeremy who lived in LA that I emailed daily.
That was also a semi-devastating breakup.
When I stopped talking, I looked up to see Zach staring at me with his mouth completely open and a blank look on his face.
“Literally never tell anyone else that story ever again,” he very, very seriously told me.
I informed him I have definitely told that story on dates. He, in turn, informed me it was now quite clear why I was spending my Saturday evening making a breakup playlist.
Do You Know? (The Ping Pong Song) // Enrique Iglesias
I would be lying if I said I didn’t make a noise that sounded as if I was in extreme physical pain when Zach started playing this and the opening sounds of ping pong balls being hit came out of the speakers.
I would also be lying if I said it didn’t take Zach less than seven times to correctly type “Iglesias.”
Ghost of You // Good Charlotte
Full disclosure: I was a huuuuuuuuge Good Charlotte fan. Like, I would fantasize about when I grew up into an adult and had twins that I would name them Joel and Benji. I used to practice doing my eyeliner like Benji’s, who was my one true love and perhaps the reason I am still so attracted to men with neck tattoos (sorry, Mom). And, also, I wrote them a lot of fan mail about how their music changed my life -- at least one letter a week for what I would like to say was less than a year to save face, but definitely was much, much longer.
I told Zach this and, again, he looked at me as if he was slowly dying inside, then yelled at me to please stop speaking for the rest of my life.
Silver bullet (acoustic) // hawthorne heights
If it wasn't already clear Zach Groth and I were both very much into pop punk in our formative years, it should be now. We argued for a few minutes about which acoustic version is better (obviously, this one) and then literally both got so sad from the memories of being an angsty teen that we decided this playlist definitely needed more uplifting, empowering songs...
Best days of your life // someone who was on american idol, i think
...which is how we got here.
Zach and I disagree heavily on our opinions about country music, but I told him he could put this song on our breakup playlist even though I didn't like it. This is because, in the scheme of our semi-devastating breakups, I'm leaning WAY more on the "semi" side while his is actually much more devastating.
Unfortunately, ZG was ghosted (he wrote about it here) by a girl he'd been seeing for well over a year. She completely disappeared from his life without a trace -- in my opinion, the worst way to be broken up with -- and he hasn't heard from her in more than three weeks. I, on the other hand, had also not heard from the guy I was casually dating in three weeks and kind of assumed we too had broken up (though, to be fair, I'm using the term "broken up" very, very loosely).
But, it turns out that we hadn't, hence the "semi" part of the devastating non-breakup. I only know this because it also turns out if you drink a lot of wine while listening to sad songs, you might get a little bit drunk and, at some point, end up going to that man's place of work where you may potentially end up tearing up as you leave and throwing money at him for your drink while he looks at you completely baffled because he thought every thing between you two was fine.
Anyway, because of that and because Zach knew the girl he was with for a much longer time, when we were sitting on the couch and making the playlist, I told him that he could add the country song because "whatever I'm going through must be, like, four times worse for you."
I'd meant this to be comforting, but it turns out that is actually not a good, comforting phrase and definitely killed the uplifting mood, which is why most of the songs on the remainder of the playlist could be described as the opposite of empowering.
Somebody Else // The 1975 & UGH! // The 1975
At this point in our night -- each of us about halfway done with our bottles -- we actually took a small break because we thought it would be a good idea to try to purchase tickets to go see The 1975 in May even though Zach only knows one of their songs. We were debating between buying the cheapest tickets or getting the expensive ones so I could potentially get to the front and touch Matty’s hair. Touching Matty’s hair is a very important life goal of mine, so we decided to go all out and treat ourselves via my credit card.
Thankfully, Ticketmaster is hard to work when you are sad and drunk and the purchase did not go through.
So, we went back to the playlist.
“Somebody Else” is definitely about breaking up. By the title, that seems very clear. “UGH!," on the other hand, is definitely about cocaine, but that too is actually kind of relevant to our situation because Zach was just dumped by a woman I am 99% sure is a drug lord.
House of Bones // Quiet Cargo
The last song I personally added to our playlist that night was “House of Bones,” a song written and performed by my stupid-talented human friends, Ethan and Sophie. I met Ethan and Sophie a few years back when I was at a party in JP and they performed this song. After, I walked up to them to compliment their music and chat and, eventually, we found out we had multiple mutual friends, the most notable one being my younger brother.
A few weeks ago, I went back to Boston and ran into Sophie at my brother’s house party. We hadn’t seen each other in awhile and were catching up when the conversation turned to modern dating and what it’s like to be a single twenty-something in a city.
"I need to send you this article," she told me. "It's all about deciding if a relationship is worth pursuing and completely changed the way I look at dating."
The next evening, I received a text from Sophie containing the article and, after reading it, I totally agreed with her. Basically, the concept of the piece all boils down to a thing the author calls "The Law of F--k Yes or No."
“The Law of “F—k Yes or No” states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, they must inspire you to say “F—k Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.
The Law of “F—k Yes or No” also states that when you want to get involved with someone new, in whatever capacity, THEY must respond with a “F—k Yes” in order for you to proceed with them.”
Oh, right.
It totally makes sense -- really, why would you ever choose to be with someone who is not excited to be with you? This seems like it should be really obvious and maybe it is, but at the same time, it's a hard thing to remember when you're kind of drunk and sad, sitting on a couch with your best friend who was just brutally ghosted. So, I added "House of Bones" to remind me of my conversation with Sophie (and, also, like because it's a really, really good song).
Now, not to be dramatic, but the Sunday after ZG and I made this playlist could be described as one of the worst days of my life. This is because drinking $300 worth of wine is a lofty goal, yet one that we came very, very close to accomplishing. Thus, I spent 90% of the day in my bed with a towel over my face, groaning anytime the sunlight streamed in my eyes or whenever I had to move my body.
Zach came over later that night to watch the Oscars/eat Chinese food/make sure I wasn't dying and, after sitting had become too strenuous for me and I was laying on my kitchen floor, we again started talking about the Law of F--k Yes, being ghosted and the entire concept of modern dating, which, truly, is a hard concept to comprehend in the first place, but is significantly more difficult when you are severely hungover still at 10 p.m.
After our conversation was over (I believe it ended because I moved my head too suddenly and saw stars) and, in what was perhaps a jump-off from our previous, yet short-lived empowering and uplifting song kick, Zach and I both decided the next person we date should without a doubt pass the Law of F--k Yes. Because, honestly -- we deserve that. We both deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us, who won't ghost us, and someone who will be a genuine, authentic human being (and, like, you know, isn't potentially a drug lord).
And, hopefully those future people will be down with the fact Zach and I both have the habit of broadcasting our dating lives and mortifying life moments via the Internet. Because, if I know anything, our embarrassing blogs -- very much like our humiliating infinite (breakup) playlist -- will not stop being updated anytime soon.