Starting next week, five of us have decided to participate in the Whole 30, a paleo lifestyle change that cuts out things like sugar, grains, dairy, legumes and (horrifyingly) alcohol for 30 entire days.
Because I am a millennial who lives in New York City, I'm obviously blogging about the experience of our extreme paleo challenge, a diet ZG has described multiple times as "eating whatever a caveman ate... because they had such a f--king long life expectancy."
Clearly, we are all really excited for the next 30 days of our lives.
To be completely honest, I have no idea how we actually came to the conclusion we were going to do a Whole 30 because, at the time we decided it, I was very, very drunk. I had just done that thing I sometimes do where I believe I can exist for days solely off of hot yoga, vodka and power bars (this is not possible and it always, always ends poorly). So, yes -- after too many vodka tonics and not enough food, that Friday night ended with me continuously and violently sobbing to Zach in a cab from the West Village to the Upper East Side about how "I think I'm too pretty to be this sad about a boy who wears camo cargo shorts" while wearing a tutu.
(Zach has described this car ride as the worst moment of his life).
Yet, somehow -- in between this incident and an earlier situation where ZG told me he wasn't hungry (a blatant lie, Zach Groth is never not hungry) and physically forced me to eat his remaining taco -- we made the decision to do a Whole 30.
Ironically enough, while we made this decision fairly intoxicated, the Whole 30 is incredibly strict about cutting alcohol completely out of your diet, which after the above tutu episode, is probably a good thing.
While the original people who drunkenly decided the Whole 30 was a fabulous idea were just Chelsea, Zach and I, we are nothing if not excellent at peer pressure. So, now our friends Serria and Allie will also be joining us on this paleo diet, partly because I'll need multiple people to keep me motivated to actually go through with this, but also because if Zach and I can't go to Barfly for wings, football and beer, none of our friends can either.
So, while I am excited for this weird social experiment to take place and see how we all better our lives/survive without bread for a month, there are also multiple things I am going to miss very much during these next 30 days, thus:
Green Kitchen Chicken Sandwiches
This is the chicken sandwich from the diner down the street from my apartment that I used to order between one and four times a week. I will miss this more than anything, though probably not as much as they will miss me when I move from the Upper East Side to Chelsea in December because I truly believe I am single-handedly keeping them in business.
Barfly
Although ZG and I have been friends since our sophomore year of college, we were never allowed to go out alone together because everyone we knew were convinced we would get into too much trouble. (This proved to be accurate -- the first time we ever ventured out to the Muncie bars alone was Cinco de Mayo of our senior year and we lost each other within 20 minutes). So, in an effort to show our friends we could be functioning adult humans alone at a bar together, we moved to New York City and Barfly was the first place we went.
A photo of us on our first night ever going to Barfly together
A photo of us over a year later, probably either on a Tuesday, after some sort of semi-life crisis, or before I had a date
And, while I wouldn't necessarily say we are always functioning adult humans there, almost two years later, Barfly has become a constant in our lives and it's one of the places in Manhattan where I feel extremely comfortable and at ease.
(My parents are very proud of me).
So, I will miss Barfly. We will not be able to go there for 30 days because I'm pretty sure nothing at Barfly is Whole 30 approved except for maybe the extra plate of celery our favorite bartender, Ed, sometimes brings me when ZG orders wings, then gets mad because I eat all his vegetables while he's busy inhaling his chicken like a legitimate monster.
WINE AT THE PARK
While my absolute favorite thing about living on the Upper East Side is living so close to Central Park, my second favorite thing about living on the Upper East Side is living so close to Zach.
This is mostly because he has both a microwave and air-conditioning.*
Because I have neither of those things, I take advantage of the proximity of our apartments constantly, so much so that ZG actually acquired me my own microwave that, to his horror, I refuse to accept, citing the fact it will attribute to us losing out on what I like to refer to as "Friend and Wine Time" and he likely refers to as "Jen Showing Up At My Apartment Unannounced For Alcohol (Again)."
If you know anything about mine and Zach's relationship (besides the fact we're not dating or that we're really, really good at making really, really bad break-up playlists), it's that, thanks to his job, we spend a large amount of time drinking extremely expensive wine.
ZG's apartment is exactly in between Central Park and my place, so whenever I'm heading there, I usually stop by his place first and the two of us trek over to the west side to meet Serria at a spot we've designated as our own with multiple bottles of wine in tow.
This behavior has contributed to many days spent laying on blankets while eating cheese, getting a little bit drunk and, of course, priceless photo opportunities like this:
Obviously, the three of us will still hang out in the Park at our designated spot, but the lack of wine, cheese and the occasional McDonald's on particularly rough days will be sorely missed.
*Also because he is a really good friend, but air-conditioning ranks very high during the summer months in Manhattan.
Not seeming like a straight-up crazy person on dates
Despite my knack for getting myself into uncomfortable dating situations (see: the candle in the car incident, see: my blind date vomiting on the sidewalk, see: that time I asked the guy I thought I was dating if he was seeing other people and he was like, "yes," and I was like, "I gotta go do karaoke" because that's a totally chill and normal response), I'd actually say I do alright when it comes to interacting with male humans. I genuinely am interested in getting to know people and hearing their stories, so I tend to mostly have pretty positive experiences when it comes to going out with new guys.
But, thinking back on it, almost all of the first dates I have been on since living in Manhattan have included some element -- whether that be alcohol or food-related -- that is not allowed on the Whole 30 lifestyle.
I think this is going to make dating difficult for the next 30 days.
Case in point: after I had spent the entire taxi ride in a tutu crying to ZG, he made me come up to his apartment so I could make myself one of the many microwaveable meals I'd stocked at his place and he, still being confused as to what to do with a crying woman at 3:30 in the morning, put on a comedy Netflix special for us to watch while I ate and he drank in an attempt to forget this night ever happened.
I don't remember a lot from the comedy special -- shortly after it began, I fell asleep on the couch -- but the one thing that did stick out to me was a bit about when people first start dating, girls can hide their "crazy" for exactly three months. I remember the comic saying something vague about how the first three months of the relationship are when both parties are super chill and laid-back, but once they get too comfortable with each other, it's possible to learn the person you've been seeing isn't actually as cool and calm as you may have thought.
At least for me, this is probably a pretty accurate statement because I think I can seem pretty cool when you initially meet me. (I asked Zach for his opinion on this and he said something along the lines of "I'd like to be excluded from this narrative, one that I never asked to be a part of.") But, even if only referring to the fact I will likely omit some details about myself from you on the first date, like that I'm deathly afraid of ketchup or that I'll probably end up writing about you on the Internet, there are some things about me I won't tell you immediately so you don't think I'm super cray right away. (I save those things to tell ZG while I'm crying on his couch in a tutu, he's totally appreciative of our friendship dynamic).
But, really -- I don't want to seem like a high maintenance person because I am not one, but if I go on dates while doing the Whole 30, I certainly am going to seem as if I am, especially when the fact I can't eat virtually anything is combined with my Upper East Side address. While I'm looking forward to seeing how this will be an interesting challenge, I'm pretty sure I'll miss being able to be the laid-back, cool girl on a first date who can drink a lot of craft beer, not the girl who can only eat salad without dressing or cheese.
I think the Whole 30 is going to be hard -- like, really hard. But, I also think it will teach me a lot about myself, my body and my friends who are embarking on this challenge with me. As much as I will miss the above four things and as corny as it sounds, I am very excited about the next 30 days and trying to push myself to some paleo limit, even if it does mean Green Kitchen may potentially go out of business.