Four of my friends and I have committed to spending 30 days of our lives not consuming grains, sugar, legumes, alcohol and probably something else that I'm forgetting to list, but is likely delicious. Here's how our first two weeks went.
the week before:
The Friday before the Whole 30 began, I invited myself over to Zach's apartment as I sometimes do because I wanted to drink one glass of Spanish wine while I ate my Dos Toros bowl, a Chipotle-like concoction I would not be able to enjoy in its full capacity once our program began. I was very intent on staying for only one drink, but seeing as nothing ever goes as planned with Zach and I, I did not leave after one glass.
Instead, I ended up drinking the better part of three bottles of wine on his living room floor until 6:30 in the morning, yelling at the FBI crime show he had introduced me to earlier on in the evening while he was sleeping on his couch and probably wishing I would leave.
This photo was taken after I'd already watched 10 45-minute episodes and drank two bottles of wine
For those of you who have never consumed that much wine or that much crime television in one sitting, the hangover effect is not great. When I was finally able to pull myself off ZG's couch well after noon, I slowly hobbled the four blocks back to my place, then proceeded to spend the rest of the day in bed with an ice pack on my head, verbally pleading for the pain to stop.
Between this incident and the severe food poisoning I got after eating my last Green Kitchen chicken sandwich, I was more than ready to become paleo.
the first week:
At 9:14 a.m. on the day we started the Whole 30, Zach text Serria and I to ask if he could eat a yogurt. Because the delicious thing I forgot to list in the intro is dairy, he could not.
Exactly two hours after that, he contacted us via G-Chat, a platform he has been ignoring us on since May, to inform us he is famished and feeling "#unblessed." I, on the other hand, was feeling uncomfortably full, considering the Whole 30 is requiring me to eat more food in a day than I normally would. (My co-worker and friend Jamie watched me force-feed myself turkey that morning, it was not pleasant for either of us). But, as I have seen ZG meal prep four burgers stuffed with an entire ball of mozzarella, then proceed to eat all of them at the same time, I assumed we were having opposite reactions to the amount of food consumed for the next 30 days.
The first week had its good points -- like, when I realized the universe was on my side because TIME's pantry full of free food got rid of both their pretzels and M&M's, eliminating all previous temptations and making my days a lot easier. But, it also had its downs. Serria didn't have time to meal prep on day one, so she only ate almonds for lunch, a move Zach repeated for dinner a few days later. (It should be noted that Serria ate an appropriate amount of almonds. Surprising no one, Zach ate the entire bag). Allie and I both forgot we can't chew gum because it has sugar. This was devastating. I made cauliflower rice, but forgot to cook it and, also, it may have gone bad, resulting in me gagging my way through literally the worst meal I have ever had, including the time my college roommate made us quesadillas on the stove without using any appliances or utensils.
A grown college adult human did this. She now teaches children.
Understandably, Chelsea did fine because she is so good at being paleo that she started a new business (called Paleo Pep Talk!) based on encouraging people like the rest of us doing this experiment.
Having someone like Chelsea, who eats paleo on a regular basis, do the Whole 30 along with us is super helpful for multiple reasons, but maybe my favorite is that she gets really excited about things I've never heard of, which is how the two of us ended up in Bed, Bath and Beyond on Friday afternoon looking at air friers.
Less than 24 hours prior, neither of us had ever heard of an air frier, but after watching multiple videos on the Internet and getting the entire Art Department of TIME to weigh in, we were convinced it was a magical invention. After Chelsea purchased it and we set it up in our now-pretzel-and-M&M-free kitchen, we spent the rest of the afternoon making the floor of our office smell like delicious air-fried sweet potatoes.
It's impossible to explain how magical the air frier truly was, but because it was so incredible, I really didn't think anything could top the first week of our Whole 30. But, I was wrong. That night, Serria, Chelsea, Allie and I got together for a paleo pot luck which actually translated into Chelsea cooking pizza while we all drank La Croix. This was my first experience eating pizza without cheese as well as drinking sparkling water without vodka.
Surprisingly, both were enjoyable.
i do have to say the first five days of the Whole 30 went pretty smoothly and I'd attribute that mostly to being able to have people I'm close with doing it alongside me. Eating dinner on Friday night with my friends was lovely and it was made even more so by knowing that we're all facing the same difficult food choices every day, that (as lame as it sounds), we aren't alone in this experience.
This was made very obvious when the four of us were watching more Youtube videos of air friers (I know, we are v cool), and had to shut it off because they were making multiple cakes and it became both physically and emotionally painful.
the first weekend:
Going into this, I was convinced the most difficult part of the Whole 30 would be the first weekend, mostly because I can't remember the last time I had a completely alcohol-free weekend and also because my brother was flying in from San Francisco so we could go to a Kanye concert.
It turns out I was very much right.
But, while I'd assumed attending a music festival sober was going to be the most challenging thing, it was actually the activities we did the day before the concert that really tested my self control.
After spending the day catching up, I brought my brother and three of our friends to an adorable craft beer bar on the west side. As someone who's loved craft beer for far longer than I've loved dating the bartenders who work at those sorts of places, I was in physical pain from a combination of not being able to sample any of their drinks or having an excuse to speak to the tattooed bartender.
But, because I apparently believe in facing all of my difficulties head on, I then proceeded to bring them all to two of my favorite places to get margaritas in the city, which they enjoyed immensely while I drank more water than I ever have in my entire life.
At the last bar, I'd grown tired of just drinking water and was also exhausted from a day of being incredibly and soberly social. I went up to the bar to order a tea and proceeded to have the most uncomfortable conversation I have ever had with a bartender (and, remember, this is coming from someone who once actively refused to let the bartender who was ghosting me ghost me by surprise verbally assaulting him at his place of employment).
ME: Could I get a hot tea, please?
HIM: *brings me a beer*
ME: Oh, um, no -- like, a hot breakfast tea?
HIM: *literally just stares at me*
ME: ....please?
HIM: Uh, yeah, that's going to take a little bit to heat up the water... so why don't you just take the beer?
After I told him I'd wait and his annoyance was visible, he came back with this which, if you can't tell, features a lemon pierced by a spoon.
This was the dumbest thing I have ever seen.
We'll probably be dating soon.
the second week:
I didn't start out the second week of the Whole 30 as fully prepped as I had the previous week. I'm blaming this mostly on Kanye because I injured my neck so badly at his show that I couldn't move the entire right side of my body, let alone be able to cook enough food to get me through the next five days.
Also, my dad was in town.
For those of you who don't know my dad, he loves food and he loves wine. He loves food and wine so much that he actually started a second Instagram account to document his passion without telling any of us it was him for an unbelievable amount of time. (Honestly, the only reason I even realized it was my father was because a few months after he'd started it, he posted a photo of our dog and, suddenly, it made sense why the person I'd assumed was a fancy food blogger was liking all my photos).
A small sampling of my father's feed which proves he's better at being a Millennial than I am
I love when my dad comes to NYC because I love spending time with him and, because both of us are working all day, most of that time is spent at dinner, eating foods and drinking wine at places in the city I cannot afford. This past week was no different, though I was sticking to only water while he drank and was completely avoiding even looking at any of the pasta options at every Italian place we stepped inside.
On the third night we had dinner, my dad told me he was proud of the self control I was exhibiting. (I believe he was referring to the night before, when we'd gone to an expensive restaurant known for their special olive oil. Olive oil is a thing I can have on the Whole 30, though as my father pointed out, "The delivery is much harder when you can't have bread." Though I will admit I briefly considered using a spoon and stared longingly at the last slice of bread, I refrained from having any).
And, honestly, I'm proud of myself, too. It's only been two weeks, but I feel awesome. In the fourteen days since I've last consumed sugar, alcohol, grains or dairy, I have more energy, feel way healthier and have woken up on ZG's couch in severe physical pain a total of zero times.
We started doing the Whole 30 as an intriguing social experiment and the things I've learned have been just that -- intriguing. Was it difficult to be surrounded by cold beer and hot bartenders, not being able to indulge in either one? Yes. Was it really embarrassing when I was attempting to cook a new, paleo recipe, but instead set my fire alarm off to the dismay of my entire building because almond flour burns waaaaaaaay faster than I had anticipated? Absolutely.
But, has it been worth it? I think so. Already, I feel more confident in my food choices, more aware of my self-discipline and more pride at being able to completely engulf myself in this program which, truly, I think are all more important things than eating that last piece of bread.